Feminist Aphorisms for the 21st Century

Here is a stack of aphorisms, drawn from my own attitude and experience as a girl of the century. Those of you who listen to Helloween will grasp that reference immediately. For me personally, it refers to those of us born at the cusp: childhoods before and after the turn of the century.

Anyway. I’m a woman who’s always screamed fuck off with your feminist twaddle because I’ve always viewed myself as equal to everyone else in society. I’ve never been paid less than anybody else of any gender, for instance.

So, for those of you who are curious, here are my Feminist Aphorisms for the 21st Century. In no particular order.

• My strength comes from within, not from trinkets, junkets, praise, ‘things’, position, money, the way I look, or anything else.
• I am who I am and fuck you if you don’t like it.
• Treat me with respect. If you don’t treat me with respect, I have no time for you.
• If you’re an idiot, I will have nothing to do with you.
• I like to be told I look nice, when I look nice. Everything else is empty flattery, which I do not appreciate.
• Don’t ask me to go shopping. Just because I’m female, it doesn’t mean that I like shopping. I fucking hate shopping.
• If you want to open a door for me, that’s nice. A good display of manners and chivalry occasionally goes a long way.
• If you want to carry a heavy load instead of relying on me to do it, good for you! I won’t complain.
• It’s important to make yourself look good, for yourself, even when you’re not going anywhere. It’s not slavery to anything; it’s being able to walk past a mirror and feel good about the way you look. Every day.
• You work hard? Fuck you, I probably work harder. And I’m proud that I do. I probably also get paid more.
• I can be whatever I want to be, and nothing you say to me, or do to me, will change that attitude. If it threatens you, then you can fuck off.
• If you’re in a position of authority, be aware that I am not afraid of you. I’ll tell you to jam your job (or position, or offers, or whatever) in your arse if it is warranted.
• The last point goes for bullies (at work or anywhere else). Don’t bully me. If you do, you will feel my wrath. I am not afraid of you, even if everybody else appears to act that way in front of you.
• I take pride in a clean house.
• I work, cook, clean, bake bread, make cakes, mend clothes, sew things, and treat guests in my house as though they are royalty. That’s not being a doormat, that’s being house-proud, enjoying a nice space to relax in, and being hospitable. Hospitality is vital if people are going to feel comfortable in your home.
• If I can budget for an entire household and exist well on hardly any money, that’s not a grandma mentality, that’s being smart.
• I do things for myself because I deserve to. And I enjoy it.
• I will happily marry the man I love and take his name.
• I may not ever have children. It’s not because I can’t, it’s because I choose not to. Not having children is not a big deal. Or, wait! Maybe it is for you. In that case, it doesn’t affect me.
• I take pride in the sisterhood; because when the world falls down (and it does, from time to time) it’s your sisters who are there for you.
• Your dad is one of the smartest men you will ever meet, in terms of offering advice that suits you.
• I can, and do, have as many friends as I wish, of both genders. Just because you’re male and I talk to you, it doesn’t mean I’m playing up to you. And if you’re male and think that (or buy me drinks), then more fool you. Times have changed.
• I run wild and free, and those who love me run wild and free beside me.
• In everything I do, I aim for beyond the sun. Because I can.
• Sometimes I get wild, moody, sook, and moan about things. Deal with it. Chances are, you are just as bad; you just haven’t noticed, or you sook in a different way.
• I go to pubs and drink beer and talk shit. I don’t drink girly drinks. They’re for 16-year-olds with a sweet tooth.
• I like girly things like heels and fishnets, and sexy underwear, and nice-smelling perfumes, and good hair, and corsets. I also love boots, cargo pants, and metal shirts. I don’t have to look girly all the time, but I like to have the tools at my disposal when I do want to. You should not be surprised at anything.
• I’m a lady in public and a right dirty slut in the bedroom. Your grandma had the best advice with this one! Nobody takes a lady for a tart if she comports herself properly in public, even if that’s what she is at home.
• Manners and courtesy indicate respect. If don’t have much of either of these, don’t talk to me. Contrarily, if I am mannerly and courteous, don’t assume that I’m a nice girl that you can walk over. Because I won’t let you.
• I swear. A lot. If you don’t like it, then that is your problem. Sometimes being offended is good for you.
• Feminists of old used to talk about being squashed, of burning bras, of man-hating things. I don’t hate men, I love men. Men are awesome! If you hate men, chances are that you are a lesbian, or have repressed your sexuality. Feminism of old, and as taught in universities, is out of date, ridiculous, and ought to be buried in a parallel universe far, far away.
• I feel sorry for boys, because they are totally oppressed and repressed by old-school feminisms that inform education, political correctness, and a vast array of other things. They don’t deserve to be treated like second-class citizens.
• Finally, if you don’t like strong women, grow up. We are everywhere.